This is hilarious - I especially loved "the Gryffindors would join the Death Eaters rather than the Slytherins..."

& burst out laughing with: "Hermione looked so horrified that she seemed ready to befriend Lord Voldemort himself in exchange for her perfect record."

& thoroughly embarrassed myself by the time I got to: "...even Malfoy put on a ghost of a smile – although his steadfast glare at Ginny gave it a rather disturbing aura."

I laughed so loud with: "Harry only wished Hermione would stop gossiping with Blaise over the windowsill of the ground floor room. It was hard to sleep with Ron swearing every five minutes." that my cats thought I'd gone mad (madder) & ran out of the room!

It's brilliantly funny!